:) :O :(

Ever since I was a child my parents taught me to always be kind to others. My mom had a saying that she’s been telling me since I could remember and even now she continues to reminds me “Never do anything that will hurt someone”. And with their teachings through the years, I became a kind hearted, caring, self-less person (at least I’d like to think I was). I’ve countlessly went out of my way to do things for people, gave them gifts, and always tried to be there for them as much as I possibly could. And with doing these things I’ve never once expected anything back. I believed this was one of my biggest strengths as a person, but now it seems more of a weakness because the one thing my parents so carefully forgot to teach me, that my brother taught me was that people are fucked up and not everyone deserves kindness. It always felt really good being nice and doing things for people. But that seems to have lost its “magic”. People always say good things happen to good people. Nothing good has happened to me. I did get a brand new BMW but that wasn’t because I was a good person. The only thing being nice to people has caused was that I get taken advantage of. I’m not saying this happens to every single person I’m nice to, but it happens a good amount. But then again that was probably my own fault for being so nice. I hated who I was and I wanted to change for a while now, but I didn’t know how and I feared that all my friends would think I was being an asshole for no reason and we would all drift away. I hated it so much to the point where I believed that my only purpose in life was to amplify other people’s lives. But this year has pushed me hard enough, that I’m starting to change. One of my closest friends this year really stabbed in the back with what he did. We were pretty much best friends and that was established to everyone who knew us. I’ve done a lot of things for him (more than anyone would even know) and he still stabs me in the back. I gave him the cold shoulder for a while and he realized and did nothing about it. I had to actually scream at him while we were working in front of my boss and my other co-worker for me to get a shitty half apology from him. He said he would try and fix the friendship but he hasn’t done anything about it so its whatever. There were a few other arguments between me and friends, but that’s not important. Anyway I decided to flip the switch and turn off my emotions and just not care (vampire diaries reference haha) and I don’t know if its taken full effect, but then again one of my friends did call me selfish the other day which made me laugh so it might of. So I might end up being a dick to people who don’t deserve it because I’m still trying to figure out who REALLY deserves kindness. And if I’m fucked up to you, I give you my most humble and sincere apology from my old self.